It's been a while since I have blogged, I continue to write in my journal but often forget about this neat little technological advancement of sharing my thoughts with a cyber world. Life has not been easy. I say that because what type of person would I be if all I ever told you were my joys, successes, and excitements. The truth is being a follower of Christ has an eternal glory, but sometimes a current pain. Paul puts it best: ESV version copied from biblegateway. 2 cor. 4
16So we do not lose heart.(AJ) Though our outer self[c] is wasting away,(AK) our inner self(AL) is being renewed day by day. 17For(AM) this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18(AN) as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
This has been one of my favorite verses for over a year now, a beacon of light and hope. See this semester has been hard, as paul said a momentary affliction. I'm sure if you're around me you know that. I have dealt with emotional, physical, spiritual weariness. Death, sickness, detachment, betrayal, controversy, confusion, spiritual warfare, and just plain hurt. I have been tired beyond understanding. I just prayed for this break to be a relief, restoration, relaxation, etc. God has definitely shown up BIG, like ephesians 3 says exceedingly abundantly more than i could ask think or imagine. On the other hand I feel the more He has shown up, the more He has worked on my behalf, the more I have failed this week. I've been ignorant, selfish, and haven't listened as the Holy Spirit has spoken.
So many realizations have come in the past two days as i wrestled my flesh, my spirit, my mind, my heart. etc.
One is... ministry is hard. I have felt my calling to be in ministry since I was ten, and ran away from that as even an option until I was 16. When I was sixteen God made it perfectly clear to me that ministry would be in my future. Since that time I've seen Him mold me, develop me, and give me many opportunities to prepare me for this lifestyle. I've been prophesied over too many times to count all saying the same for my future. I've had mentors such as pastors, pastors wives, youth pastors, evangelist and as i've had discussion after discussion meal after meal talking about full time ministry they've all said the same. You must be selfless because this is not easy. There is heartache, pain, frustration, conflict, drama... I've heard the warnings and never once have I questioned my calling.
Two is... now i wonder. As more and more occurs in my personal ministry, my lubbock ministry, my liberty ministry, my tech ministry, as the hurts have come, the successes, the salvations, the healings, the back sliding, the disappointment, the lies, as i have truly encountered many aspects of ministry, i once again sit here questioning it all. I just don't know if i'm cut out for this.
Three is... I am a sinner by birth, in a fallen world, living often for my flesh. I read so many times the words of paul in romans displaying our constant battles w/ sin and our flesh, the encouragemnt of him to live in the spirit, the fruits of the spirit, a life pleasing to God. I have never doubted these things, but today i am humbled beyond measure. The grace and mercy of my God, to look upon me, and see Christ blood, see a payment for sins, to see me as friend, child, daughter! why, oh God, why? His plan for sanctification is far beyond my understanding, as I have failed over and over, learned, and failed again.
I know this is a random process, but i can't think about an old song Sister act. "Lord send a revival, Lord send a revival, and let it begin in me"
I'm in need a redemption, restoration, revival that only my God can bring. I feel Him working, I see Him moving, and I have a hope in something beyond this world. Keep me in your prayers as I press on toward the goal, as I look heavenward to my Maker, as I battle this world, this flesh, as I pray for restoration, for a renewed mindset. God never stopped being faithful and I know He never will. I have seen Him do so many amazing things this week and in the previous weeks, it seems as though for every hard thing, He brings an encouragement, a miracle, a testimony, a salvation, something to that keeps me pressing on, keeps me pressing in. I know there is more good to come and more hard to come, i can just pray for my faith to increase.
J. Tate
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The simplest form
The flu is straight from hell. I know this because i have felt like death for 5 days straight and then magically wake up this morning to feeling as if nothing has even happened. This week was maybe... needed. It definitely forced me to SLOW DOWN, a plea i'd been hearing and putting off as much as possible. I spent the week sleeping on my couch, reading my book when my head wasn't pounding, talking to the Lord over tea like you would an old friend, and yes, sleeping some more. Being sick is not at any point, fun, in fact i will indeed get my flu shot next year, but i'll say it accomplished some things in this week.
A friend and I have been discussing and looking at Moses' relationship with God over the past 2 weeks or so. We read in Exodus chapter 32-34 as it paints a great picture of the intimacy in the relationship. Exodus 33:11 says God came down and spoke to Moses face to face as if talking to His friend.
Dennis Jernigan wrote a song "Passionate Obsession" where he discusses striving to be so close to Christ in this life that there is not a whole lot of difference when he makes it to heaven.
As I read some of the old books from those old theologians you can tell the intimacy and relationship they had with the Lord.
As I read the practice of the Presence of God with Brother Lawrence, it drips from every page.
I write all this because with all the time to talk to God and think the last few days i remembered the greatest desire of my heart. To grow closer and closer to God.
We have all felt the highs and the lows of this walk w/ the Lord. The times when we felt Him so tender so close, and those times when we feel as though we're praying to the wall. I say all the time we can go as deep as we want to go. Draw near to me and i'll draw near to you. Reading Brother Lawrence thoughts on this Journey with the Lord I can't help but be humbled and have my eyes opened. I've heard pastor Mike quote things several times from this book and each time i have found it struck me. Throughout the book each paragraph can lead to weeks of prayer and meditation because of it's depth and i am going through the book again now. There is one part i wanted to talk about though. Mostly because we've discussed it several times in our small group. The book is written by a man who had conversations w/ brother lawrence and took notes on the things he talked about... in conversation 2 there are two topics that continue to challenge me... the first being diligence and love, the second being simplicity the key to divine assistance.
"In order to form a habit of conversing with God continually, and referring all we do to Him, we must at first apply to Him with some diligence, but that after a little care we should find His love inwardly excite us to it without any difficulty.
He expected after the pleasant days God has given him he should have his turn of pain and suffering; but he was not uneasy about it, knowing very well that as he could do nothing of himself; God would not fail to give him the strength to bear them."
Throughout this book you see how brother Lawrence naturally conversed with God about all things before choosing His own actions, even before discussing with friends or mentors. A friend of mine has been talking about this challenge for months now. The challenge for us to turn to God before we turn to a friend, a parent, a mentor, or the person standing next to us. This book brings new meaning to pray without ceasing. The other section discussed when Brother Lawrence was faced with a task He would simply say God this i can only do if you enable me. He always found God's strength sufficient. Then if he failed or sinned he would say God this I will always do in my own strength, forgive me, strengthen me, change me, and then he would continue on with his day.
Brother Lawrence communicated with God in every act, every movement, every doing, throughout his day, he prayed without ceasing, he practiced the presence of God, he lived conversing with his best friend. He discussed the problem of wandering minds in prayer and said he found the more he thought on God and prayed throughout the day the less he found his mind wandering, but rather desiring to be in that place with God.
In its simplest form, He just chose to include God in His life. I wander the change in our lives if we would choose to do the same. What if we would truly acknowledge His presence consistently throughout the day?
Misty Edward's sings a song called dove's eyes. it says i don't want to talk about you like you're not in the room. This line has always gripped me as i think about the way we talk about God, the worship songs we sing, the way we pray... as if He weren't right here. Even as I write this blog, He's with me. He is more with me than my roommate who is sitting on the other couch. Yet I'll sit here and have a conversation with her, and never acknowledge His presence until i go sit down in my bed to have my designated "prayer time" that i have every night before bed.
If my true desire is to grow more and more in intimacy with God you would think that including Him more and more in our daily life would be natural.
hmmm... more to come.
A friend and I have been discussing and looking at Moses' relationship with God over the past 2 weeks or so. We read in Exodus chapter 32-34 as it paints a great picture of the intimacy in the relationship. Exodus 33:11 says God came down and spoke to Moses face to face as if talking to His friend.
Dennis Jernigan wrote a song "Passionate Obsession" where he discusses striving to be so close to Christ in this life that there is not a whole lot of difference when he makes it to heaven.
As I read some of the old books from those old theologians you can tell the intimacy and relationship they had with the Lord.
As I read the practice of the Presence of God with Brother Lawrence, it drips from every page.
I write all this because with all the time to talk to God and think the last few days i remembered the greatest desire of my heart. To grow closer and closer to God.
We have all felt the highs and the lows of this walk w/ the Lord. The times when we felt Him so tender so close, and those times when we feel as though we're praying to the wall. I say all the time we can go as deep as we want to go. Draw near to me and i'll draw near to you. Reading Brother Lawrence thoughts on this Journey with the Lord I can't help but be humbled and have my eyes opened. I've heard pastor Mike quote things several times from this book and each time i have found it struck me. Throughout the book each paragraph can lead to weeks of prayer and meditation because of it's depth and i am going through the book again now. There is one part i wanted to talk about though. Mostly because we've discussed it several times in our small group. The book is written by a man who had conversations w/ brother lawrence and took notes on the things he talked about... in conversation 2 there are two topics that continue to challenge me... the first being diligence and love, the second being simplicity the key to divine assistance.
"In order to form a habit of conversing with God continually, and referring all we do to Him, we must at first apply to Him with some diligence, but that after a little care we should find His love inwardly excite us to it without any difficulty.
He expected after the pleasant days God has given him he should have his turn of pain and suffering; but he was not uneasy about it, knowing very well that as he could do nothing of himself; God would not fail to give him the strength to bear them."
Throughout this book you see how brother Lawrence naturally conversed with God about all things before choosing His own actions, even before discussing with friends or mentors. A friend of mine has been talking about this challenge for months now. The challenge for us to turn to God before we turn to a friend, a parent, a mentor, or the person standing next to us. This book brings new meaning to pray without ceasing. The other section discussed when Brother Lawrence was faced with a task He would simply say God this i can only do if you enable me. He always found God's strength sufficient. Then if he failed or sinned he would say God this I will always do in my own strength, forgive me, strengthen me, change me, and then he would continue on with his day.
Brother Lawrence communicated with God in every act, every movement, every doing, throughout his day, he prayed without ceasing, he practiced the presence of God, he lived conversing with his best friend. He discussed the problem of wandering minds in prayer and said he found the more he thought on God and prayed throughout the day the less he found his mind wandering, but rather desiring to be in that place with God.
In its simplest form, He just chose to include God in His life. I wander the change in our lives if we would choose to do the same. What if we would truly acknowledge His presence consistently throughout the day?
Misty Edward's sings a song called dove's eyes. it says i don't want to talk about you like you're not in the room. This line has always gripped me as i think about the way we talk about God, the worship songs we sing, the way we pray... as if He weren't right here. Even as I write this blog, He's with me. He is more with me than my roommate who is sitting on the other couch. Yet I'll sit here and have a conversation with her, and never acknowledge His presence until i go sit down in my bed to have my designated "prayer time" that i have every night before bed.
If my true desire is to grow more and more in intimacy with God you would think that including Him more and more in our daily life would be natural.
hmmm... more to come.
Friday, January 30, 2009
aeropuerto!
I’m sitting at DFW airport at 7:15 on a Friday morning. I love Dallas. I love looking out of the windows and see cars whizzing by on the highway and knowing I spent so much time in this area as a little girl. This was the place that was home away from home, grandma lives literally 10 minutes from this spot. The airport is not extremely busy for what I would expect the usual weekend traffic to be. Possibly this is due to the economy, rising flight costs, or declining trust in air transportation. Just a thought. I’m a people watcher. I’m sitting at a McDonald’s right in the middle of D terminal, I must note I am not a fan of McDonald’s itself, but my roommate is rather obsessed with the mcgriddle and I decided I needed to figure out what this fuss is about. I had a choice this morning with a two hour layover. Ride the sky train round and round, a much amusing hobby I’ve had since a youngster, sit and read my book at my gate, or find a central location and participate in what I would call research for my degree. Ok that’s exaggerating, but I do find the many things I’ve learned in classes to be true such as the social norms we discussed in my sociology class. For instance, There are somewhere around 30 tables at this little McDonalds and around 15 people or set of people. Every other table is conveniently skipped and I not wanting to disrupt the world’s natural cycle at this time of morning obediently took my place two tables away from the nearest person and down at the end. We are indeed quite predictable creatures. I see the interactions of an old couple obviously pros as far as the area of marriage is concerned. The elderly gentleman follows his wife to a table makes sure she is comfortably seated and then proceeds to the counter where he orders for them both and without a look backward or discussion fixes the coffee for her, I’m sure just the way she likes it. They sit and eat breakfast as I’m sure they’ve done a million times before, him with a newspaper, her with a book, taking their time. Then there is the working man most likely money driven and overworked as he hurries to the counter, orders quickly, lays down a twenty for a cup of coffee and rushes off pulling his wheeled briefcase briskly behind him balancing coffee in one hand and a cell phone between his ear and shoulder. I regret that many don’t have the pleasure of enjoying life at its simplest moments. In an air port with nothing but time and interactions to analyze, it’s here I find most at peace short of being in a prayer closet, worship service, or teaching.
Life can be confusing can’t it? I am a twenty-one year old female blessed beyond imagination. I find that in these moments that fact hits me more than it does, in just a normal day in the life. Sadly. See a normal day in the life, I’m able to wake up and know that I am loved, I own a house, I have clothes all over my floor, I have a dog, I take a hot shower, I spend time w/ the Lord, I get to eat breakfast, I check facebook on my new laptop, I call my mom on my above average cell phone, I drive my car to college, College- less than 3% of the entire world get to pursue higher education, I learn about things that I enjoy with professors that interest me, I walk into lunch among at least 30 people, at least, that I know are my friends, I get to work w/ under privileged children, I get to be involved in college ministry, youth ministry, bible studies, I have a job that though rough is fulfilling and supplies my financial needs, and then there are times like these, that it’s been a rough week for more than one reason and I’m able to call my Dad and tell him I want to come home and he buys an over priced plane ticket the day before I want to leave so that he can take me away from a comparably not so horrible week in the grand scheme of things. I am the definition of spoiled.
I say these things in revelation. Revelation of a message that touched the surface last night, but is hitting home right now. My mentor and friend, Annette spoke on faith. The topic of faith is one I greatly enjoy learning and discussing, in all honesty it can be as shallow or as deep as you decide you want to go with it. I know I have faith. I believe I have strong faith. I have faith that everything written in the Word of God is true, and it wasn’t just true for then, it’s true for me, now. I know that God has and will use His people to bring about His will on this earth, and I have no room to doubt myself when I am willing to go where He calls. I have no doubt that He is provider, protector, redeemer, and friend. But, what good is faith if we do not choose to activate it, to live in it, to use it? I will not hesitate to go pray for someone as I am led, I do not hesitate to be calm in the midst of tribulation, but this week has not only been trials, tribulations, excitement, blessing, it has come with surprise and confusion. There is where I have lost my faith. I allowed myself for a good hour yesterday to try and contemplate how I would handle a situation, how I would fix a problem, and I totally disregarded who my God is. That is not lack of faith, that is making a choice to not use faith. How ironic, must it be that in this night Annette spoke of faith, the faith that last in past, present, and future. Not forgetting the God who turned my life around, the God who has seen me through all the trials, tribulations, attacks, failures, and disappointments of my past. This is when my faith was activated. Activated to say God I repent, You are the I AM. The Everything I need, in the midst of my confusion you are not confused, you are not surprised, you are not taken aback, you sit on your throne, and you remain reigning Holy and Sovereign, my Love, My God.
If everyone had time to sit, to observe, to think, to process, to allow God to pour into them, imagine the possibilities. Possibilities that slowed down to go the pace of a God who is not limited by time at all. His promises come through in time that cannot always be kept on a clock, watch, or calendar. His grace is displayed in an amount that is immeasurable by any device we can create and His love abounds throughout a person with a touch that cannot be duplicated. Oh my God. I have faith in you. You are faithful when I am faithless. I trust you.
The McGriddle was good- I’ll probably by another one someday, the people watching was calming- I will take time when available to enjoy this, the revelation was life changing- and there is much more to come. I wish there was more time taken for layovers.
J. Tate
Jess.a.tate@blogspot.com
Life can be confusing can’t it? I am a twenty-one year old female blessed beyond imagination. I find that in these moments that fact hits me more than it does, in just a normal day in the life. Sadly. See a normal day in the life, I’m able to wake up and know that I am loved, I own a house, I have clothes all over my floor, I have a dog, I take a hot shower, I spend time w/ the Lord, I get to eat breakfast, I check facebook on my new laptop, I call my mom on my above average cell phone, I drive my car to college, College- less than 3% of the entire world get to pursue higher education, I learn about things that I enjoy with professors that interest me, I walk into lunch among at least 30 people, at least, that I know are my friends, I get to work w/ under privileged children, I get to be involved in college ministry, youth ministry, bible studies, I have a job that though rough is fulfilling and supplies my financial needs, and then there are times like these, that it’s been a rough week for more than one reason and I’m able to call my Dad and tell him I want to come home and he buys an over priced plane ticket the day before I want to leave so that he can take me away from a comparably not so horrible week in the grand scheme of things. I am the definition of spoiled.
I say these things in revelation. Revelation of a message that touched the surface last night, but is hitting home right now. My mentor and friend, Annette spoke on faith. The topic of faith is one I greatly enjoy learning and discussing, in all honesty it can be as shallow or as deep as you decide you want to go with it. I know I have faith. I believe I have strong faith. I have faith that everything written in the Word of God is true, and it wasn’t just true for then, it’s true for me, now. I know that God has and will use His people to bring about His will on this earth, and I have no room to doubt myself when I am willing to go where He calls. I have no doubt that He is provider, protector, redeemer, and friend. But, what good is faith if we do not choose to activate it, to live in it, to use it? I will not hesitate to go pray for someone as I am led, I do not hesitate to be calm in the midst of tribulation, but this week has not only been trials, tribulations, excitement, blessing, it has come with surprise and confusion. There is where I have lost my faith. I allowed myself for a good hour yesterday to try and contemplate how I would handle a situation, how I would fix a problem, and I totally disregarded who my God is. That is not lack of faith, that is making a choice to not use faith. How ironic, must it be that in this night Annette spoke of faith, the faith that last in past, present, and future. Not forgetting the God who turned my life around, the God who has seen me through all the trials, tribulations, attacks, failures, and disappointments of my past. This is when my faith was activated. Activated to say God I repent, You are the I AM. The Everything I need, in the midst of my confusion you are not confused, you are not surprised, you are not taken aback, you sit on your throne, and you remain reigning Holy and Sovereign, my Love, My God.
If everyone had time to sit, to observe, to think, to process, to allow God to pour into them, imagine the possibilities. Possibilities that slowed down to go the pace of a God who is not limited by time at all. His promises come through in time that cannot always be kept on a clock, watch, or calendar. His grace is displayed in an amount that is immeasurable by any device we can create and His love abounds throughout a person with a touch that cannot be duplicated. Oh my God. I have faith in you. You are faithful when I am faithless. I trust you.
The McGriddle was good- I’ll probably by another one someday, the people watching was calming- I will take time when available to enjoy this, the revelation was life changing- and there is much more to come. I wish there was more time taken for layovers.
J. Tate
Jess.a.tate@blogspot.com
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Just another day in the life...
The Lord often does things in weird ways, and sometimes they hurt. Last night a friend passed out and had a seizure in the middle of an interview that she was conducting, on me!!! We got her help and went to the hospital. I wish i could say this was the craziness of the night. So much is still going on in that situation, please pray about it. Then in the emergency room the Lord made me go pray for someone. I say made for a purpose. He told me to, i was like no no no Lord. This craziness is already going on i'm not in a position to pray for some stranger right now. He continued to tug and reminded me of something i'd prayed the other day. "LORD! I'M READY FOR YOU TO CHALLENGE ME MORE!" Now going and praying for someone is obviously not extrememly challenging but I was like ok Lord whatever and I obeyed. However it was not waht i expected. I realize now that this should not surprise me due to my previous experiences. I mean usually something crazy happens when the Lord asks me to do somethign in this way, but I was hoping it'd be one of those nice times that i walked over and they were like YES PLEASE PRAY... and we'd all pray together and be happy. well not this time. i came over to the man who was sitting next to the woman the Lord had asked me to pray for. Upon asking if he was a believer he stared at me like he wanted to kill me. I asked if i could pray for her, let's just say it was very much so frowned upon. After a few more exchanges i went to my seat and just prayed behind her.
This experience a long w/ a couple of other things that went along w/ it, broke MY HEART, upset me, and is really challenging me even today. I'm asking the Lord what the heck was up w/ that. I clearly made the man mad for even asking. I hate confrontation. I don't mind persecution when it at least looks as if it has some benefit. This seemed pointless. I have to rely on the faith that I know my father's voice as it says in John 17, I have to rely on faith that knows, that i know nothing, and He knows all, sort of like Ezekiel in Ezekiel 37.
I have to sit back. I have to pray for this man. I have to let God be God and me be Jessika, just a human, moving at the sound of my Father's voice, HOPEFULLY.
With Pain today, with hurt in my heart i write, but as always Be blessed.
J. Tate
This experience a long w/ a couple of other things that went along w/ it, broke MY HEART, upset me, and is really challenging me even today. I'm asking the Lord what the heck was up w/ that. I clearly made the man mad for even asking. I hate confrontation. I don't mind persecution when it at least looks as if it has some benefit. This seemed pointless. I have to rely on the faith that I know my father's voice as it says in John 17, I have to rely on faith that knows, that i know nothing, and He knows all, sort of like Ezekiel in Ezekiel 37.
I have to sit back. I have to pray for this man. I have to let God be God and me be Jessika, just a human, moving at the sound of my Father's voice, HOPEFULLY.
With Pain today, with hurt in my heart i write, but as always Be blessed.
J. Tate
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